This is MY year.

A year ago, I was broken and hopeless. I was stuck in such despair that I honestly didn't even know how to put one foot in front of the other. A newly single mom to 3, I was lost. 2012 was coming quick and I was scared. I was SCARED. That's not me. That's not who I am.

For probably the first time in my life, I didn't want to wake up the next day. I wanted to drift away into some secret land where everything was just better. Well, much to my surprise, that never happened. Because, now, we are almost in 2013 and nothing has really changed.

The kids are older, bigger and smarter. Sibling rivalry is in full effect. I am a stronger, smarter, more independent woman. And, it took an entire year of me working myself up just to get to this point where I feel capable of moving forward with my life.

Don't short change yourself.

I'm not going to even pretend that I am perfect or that the last year of my life wasn't full of mistake after mistake after mistake. But, I've made it. I survived what I feel was the hardest year of my life. My attitude has changed and improved SO much. I am SO motivated to get things moving.

There are so many things in my life that I am just unhappy with. But, for the first time, in a long time, I'm not unhappy with ME. That in itself is a great accomplishment for me. I feel confident in who I am. And, no matter how hard things get over the next few years as I transition from needing help with every part of my life to being able to do it all on my own. I know it will be rocky at first. But, at 23 years old, I feel like it's time. I can't keep making excuses. And, really, that's what I've been doing. I can move forward, I can achieve my goals and I can be the person I want to be.

Big changes are coming for these kids and I in 2013. I am VERY happy to be moving on with a new year, a new life. I'm not making any resolutions. I'm making promises to myself to achieve the goals I've set. I can do this. I will do this.

It gets better. There, I said it.

From the moment I announced my first unplanned pregnancy (yes, first) it seemed everybody was telling me, "It gets easier" or "It gets better".  There were times that I sincerely wondered what they meant.

What gets easier? Is this supposed to be hard?

Then, it hit me. Harder than I could have ever imagined. It was more than hard; it was painful. See, my pregnancies were not textbook in anyway. I had problem after problem after problem. Luckily, none were serious and all of my children were born full term and healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally I was hurting, however.

Then, those first contractions hit and I thought to myself, "Here we go, it's going to get better". Six hours later, I had a daughter. I was alone. It was perfect. I know that doesn't seem right. But, those moments alone with my daughter in the hospital after giving birth were so empowering. I couldn't have been happier. She was amazing in the hospital. But, the second we got home, it started going down hill, fast. And, the hill seemed to never end.

And, then, a couple of kids later, I was going crazy. I never had a "break", whatever that is. I was losing myself. My children didn't have a mother, they had a caregiver. There IS a difference. It was so black and white for me. Doing what I was supposed to do but never really being there. I was like the dreaded step-ford wives.

Something had to change. ME. Kids will change and grow every day. But, they have speed bumps in their journeys, too. My worst mistake was thinking that if I was a perfect mother, I would have perfect children, which would result in a perfect life. That isn't how it works. First off, I was nowhere near perfect. Secondly, what is "perfection", when it comes to children? Because, I don't know.

I changed. I had a "break". I learned who I was again. And, then, I got to know who my children are. Not who I expected them to be, but amazing nonetheless.

I don't know how, but I don't miss a beat anymore. That's not to say that accidents don't happen. But, I am at peace with the accidents, the mistakes the trying times. I don't get frustrated. I am a happier mom and because of that I have happier children. Forget trying to be perfect, happy is where it's at.

And, now, life is easy. I am not a slave to my children or to my duties as a mother. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, my children come first in my life, but they are not my whole life. Not to say that it's not possible to live that way and be happy, or that how I do things is right and any other way is wrong. The point is, I had to figure out what works for us. Not just them. Not just me. All of us and no one else.

Once the balance was restored, once we found a way to make "us" work, it suddenly became simple. I am no longer that mother stressing over every little detail, I am no longer that mother who has a short temper with her playful children. I am no longer that mother who aims for perfection, knowing it will never be reached.

My children run free. They play. They imagine. They learn. They are people. I guide them in the right direction, but I don't control their every move. This way we are all free to be ourselves and do things in our own way. 

I successfully completed FIVE loads of laundry today. Yes, the clothes are all either folded in drawers or hung in closets. Dinner was served right on time. It's 8:15 and I have the house to myself, so to speak. They all went to bed, at the same time, with little fuss. I have "me" time. More than I really need, honestly. I was able to make a trip to the grocery store alone with the kids, without stressing. I never thought I'd see the day...

To everyone who ever said, "It gets better", or to anyone wondering if it ever will be better...it did get better.

Not Too Late.

I've made a lot of mistakes. As a person, a daughter, a friend, a mother- I am completely imperfect. I accept that. But, I have worlds worth of potential. Someone use to say to me, "But, will you turn that potential into ability"? At first, it confused me. Then, it all hit me at once. I can have all the potential in the world, but if I never do anything with it, then it's a waste. I have been wasting away my life. Making excuses. Finding reasons to not reach my full potential.

Health problems. Mental issues. Single-parenting. Almost every piece of my life has become an excuse. And, by doing that, I have turned myself into a mentally unstable, unhealthy single mom, because I have allowed those things to define me. No longer, I say; no longer.

See, I know I can't go back and redo any part of my life. But, what I can do is start now, back-tracking and doing things that should have been done by now. That is all I can do. And, by doing that, I will be turning my potential into ability.

I have had a lot of bad experiences. And, at the time, I thought they were the end of me. That I could not go on. But, somewhere in the darkness, I found light. And, for sometime now, I have forgotten to find the light when it seems the sun just won't shine for me. I forget that there is something good for me out there. I have gotten to those low points where it seems ending my life would be a better choice than going to the next day.I'm not ashamed to say this. I appreciate the good moments of my life more than the average person, I believe, because for so long I didn't think there was any good in me.

I am a positive person. Optimistic. Yes, sometimes, that fails. Sometimes, I fail. And, I think admitting that I have faults, that I do get down, that I sink back down into darkness allows me to get back to the light quicker. I try not to lie to myself. I don't always like the honesty. It hurts, sometimes. It is necessary, however, for me to move forward with my life. I have to be able to tell myself those things I don't want to hear.

Failing does not make me a failure anymore than winning makes me a winner. It's all about attitude. Being positive and optimistic is what makes me able to achieve my goals. And, no matter how far I may fall down, I can and will always bring myself back up.

Gender Roles & Children

I hear it all the time. "Oh, he's ALL boy". "She's such a girly girl". From the moment children are born, we teach them to build their identity around their gender. And here we are in 2012 wondering why gender equality is still an issue. We can only blame ourselves.

So what if your little boy wears a skirt? So what if your little girl wants to be a male firefighter for Halloween? So what if your toddler boy wants to play with the vacuum cleaner? So what if your sweet girl wants to work on a car with her daddy? I don't understand the stigma.

A girl is more than a vagina and a boy is more than a penis. Can we not teach our children that they have every right to wear what they want to wear, have whatever hair style they wish, play with any toy they want and aspire to be any person they want to be? Why must we insist on our girls being cheerleaders and our boys playing football?

I see it. All. The. Time. Gender disappointment. "Well, we really wanted a boy, but as long as she's healthy". The logic behind gender disappointment could be completely abolished if we would stop imposing gender roles on our children. We don't have to teach our children to be male or female. Instead, we should allow them the room to grow as a person and show us WHO they are, rather than us teaching them WHAT they are.

If a woman wants to work while her husband stays at home with the kids. That's OK. If a man wants to study Ballet, that's OK. If my sons want to join cheerleading, or wear skirts and heels, that's OK. If my daughter wants to wear combat boots and ties, that's OK. And the only reason these things would be deemed as "not normal" would be because society is still living inside the idea that we are defined by what we are.

If we can only value our daughters as what they can do as a WOMAN and only value our sons based on what they can do as a MAN, then shame on us for not thinking our children are capable of more.

My role as a mother is to provide for my children and raise them to be productive members of society. And they can do that whether they remain loyal to their gender roles or not. If my daughter does want to be a stay-at-home mother and if my boys do want to play football, that's fine, too.

The point is that we should not impose these things on our children. I can only hope to teach my children that there is FAR more to them than just what DNA they have.

An Eye-Opening Revelation.

I have an amazing friend. He has literally stood by my side, no matter what, from the moment our friendship began. I love this man. He is a part of me, in a way. We have THAT kind of connection. Now, I won't be shelling out his information, but he will be mentioned a lot. He is who I thank for a lot of my strength, my determination, my motivation. He is an important part of my life.

After an ex-boyfriend discovered that he was in my life, vengeance was steadfast. He used every outlet possible to try to hurt me. I really don't know what his intentions were. Maybe he wanted me to feel bad for not staying with him. Maybe he wanted to guilt me into being with him again. All he did was cost himself all respect I had for him. How? He started bad-mouthing my best friend. Just throwing out lie after lie after lie. Things that I, with no doubt, knew were not true. This hurt me. And here's why: He was saying things about someone that he knew nothing about.

Of course I defended him. My EX was never around this person, he didn't see the things he did, hear the things he said, experience things with him. So, who was HE to start saying these things about him? All of a sudden, it clicked.

See, I am a woman. A very flawed one at that. I have had times in my life where I said things about other people because they were things someone else had told me, things I believed to be true. But, the only truth was that I had no clue. All of a sudden, I realized how those things could hurt.

From that moment on, unless I experienced something first-hand, I didn't put much stock in it. I felt the need to send out numerous apologies to every single person I had blindly judged. There were women whose marriages I questioned, because of a simple slip of tongue that they had an argument. Mother's who I referred to as "unfit" because they did not have the same beliefs as me. And many, many more examples. It's not right.

And it took me experiencing someone else doing that to someone I really cared about. That's what's so sad about it. It shouldn't have taken that long, or that type of situation to give me this epiphany. 

I don't care who you are. I don't care where you've been. I don't care what you've seen. Just please, don't make the same mistakes I have made for so long. Stop laying judgments down on people you don't know. Stop the judgments, period. Don't make assumptions about people. Not that it's your business, to be blunt, but should you feel the need to have details on an other person's life, I'd assume the best person to ask would be them.

Weight Loss. It's on.

I'm not going to lie, I could definitely afford to lose a few pounds...or 20. I would say I fall into the mildly overweight category. Just teetering between a good BMI and a bad BMI. I have always struggled with weight. I lost some weight in high school and kind of just stayed there. I am happy to announce that after having 3 kids, I do weigh less than I did at my graduation, only by about 5 Lbs. But, still.

After having my first child, I lost a considerable amount of weight. I was 15 Lbs. less than when I got pregnant with her, my stomach seemed to shrink in a more flattering way. I was feeling pretty good. When I got pregnant with baby #2 I ate very healthy and remained active. I still have a picture I took of myself just 4 days after giving birth, and I was already looking good. Granted, my stomach didn't flatten out as well, but it was easy to hide. Well, when I popped up pregnant with baby #3, I ate my feelings. I was very depressed and gained a lot of weight. Specifically, I can tell that my waist is not as small as it was, nor my thighs and my upper arms. All the spots you WANT to be small in.

I have dealt with an array of issues that have either hindered my weight loss, or caused me to lose weight in an unhealthy way. I think that with weight-loss, as with all things, you have to make a choice. A choice to lose weight, to change your life in a way where you can keep it off and remain positive on it all. Well, today I made that choice. And, every day I will push myself to do better than the day before.

Even though it is already the 4th day of December, and it's right smack dab in the middle of fattening season (aka The Holidays), I am starting a challenge. It's Called Triple 8.

Lose 8 Lbs.
Workout for 8 hours.
Eat out less than 8 times.

It works best in a month that has exactly 4 weeks. Lucky for me, starting today gives me exactly 4 weeks until January 1st. On average I will lose 2 Lbs. per week, work out 2 hours each week and only eat out twice per week, or less as I am hoping.

I will be keeping a food journal. I will only be drinking water; no soda, no coffee, no juices. And, like I said, I am going to try to stay away from eating out altogether. I am also going to try to stay away from processed foods as much as possible. The thing about it is, this are realistic goals. A 30 minute work out 4 days out of the week. Eating healthy meals/snacks at home. Drinking WATER instead of sugar-filled junk. It's not something that is unattainable. This is something that, logically, I could do every day, every month for the rest of my life. No, it would not be healthy for me to lose 8 Lbs. every single month for say, a year. And, when you start a weight loss program you always lose more in the beginning. This first month, I could lose 8 Lbs. But, I won't be surprised if after that I am only able to lose about 4-6 Lbs. in a month. 

Starting weight: 155
Comfortable weight: 135
Goal weight: 125-130

I want to 147 by January 1st. I want to be 143 by February 1st. I want to be 139 by March 1st. I want to 135 by April 1st.

I am acknowledging that these are things I want. Goals I want to achieve. I am also acknowledging that I am a flawed person and I will mess up. But, I am making a promise to myself that i will do my very best to get to where I want to be. And, I WILL get there.

Welcome, Everybody!

As I sit here, alone, watching lame sitcoms, I have come to the realization, that my life is meaningless. Not in every aspect, of course. I am a mother. I have 3 children. I will have an impact on them, for sure. And, they will, inevitably, have an impact on other people. But, aside from that, my life is weary. I have very little to keep my attention, aside from my best friend, who is almost my boy friend, but we really don't want to call it that. Anyway, the fact is, I need to do something. I've done a lot in my life. I have been through many trials and made plenty of mistakes, learned quite a few lessons and I am a better person because of it, a better mother.


Yes, this is a lot of rambling. Possibly because when it comes to "beginnings" I'm not much of an enthusiast. Hell, I'd skip straight to the middle when it come to most aspects of my life. Let's rewind here for a minute...
December 2009. A KFC bathroom. A positive pregnancy test. An unhappy boyfriend. And a pregnant me. That sucked. I definitely didn't have one of those "OMG it's positive" huggy-feely pregnancy revealing moments like the movies portray them as. In fact, I'd like to give my "professional" opinion that those scenes rarely occur in real life. I have seen many a women pee-on-a-stick, then snap 10 pictures, send it to their friends, ask "do you see a line" and then repeat four or five times. They then anxiously await for "hubby" to get home and reveal it in some "special" way. Ladies, a word of advice, no matter how much you want a baby or how long you've been trying to conceive, please, keep those pee-drenched sticks out of public view.Anyway, the point is that now, 3 and half years into motherhood, I am doing much better. I know myself better and I am more prepared for it. I feel confident in myself as a mother now. Just like after my 3rd or 4th blog I will get a feel for my audience and exactly how I wish to express the information, knowledge, wisdom, comedy (perhaps), etc. that I possess.