School and the single mom.

I got my first college essay back. 90% out of a possible 100%. I am satisfied with that. If this is any indicator of how the rest of the semester will go, I am VERY happy. BUT I have already had some setbacks.

My youngest had blood drawn last week and the results showed some abnormalities. This lead the doctor to wanting to do an emergency ultrasound. This was all on a Thursday, just hours before my second Government class. I had to miss it. Luckily, the professor was very understanding of the situation and sent me an email with the week's homework.

The ultrasound showed everything was normal, so now I sit, waiting to hear back from the doctor what the next step will be. Most likely, they will do another blood draw. My poor baby.

I did get some work completed over the next few days, at least. THEN, sickness. My mother became sick, then my oldest, then the older son, then the baby and now...ME. So, I had to miss another class.

Now I am dealing with 3 sick kids, myself being sick AND I have TWO major projects due at the end of this week, as well. And, unfortunately for me, the kids are not cooperating with me at all. My older son seems to be mostly sickness free now. But, my God, those terrible two's have left him a mess.

He would wake up in the morning and sneak into the kitchen. Sometimes, his older sister would follow suit. They would find a snack, but rarely make a hug mess. Well, then we got the Keurig, along with several boxes of the divine K-cups. Ya know, those things are only topped with a thin piece of aluminum foil, that a 2 year old can easily bite into, eat and spread out all over the house. And, that is exactly what he did. He's done it 3-4 mornings now.

Now, before you crucify me for not keeping an eye on my children, let me explain to you, that I've done everything in my power to prevent this from happening. I sleep with my door open to, hopefully, hear the kids as soon as they wake up. I put a baby gate up and secure it as best I can. But, my 2 year old, who was just moved to a toddler bed, is very smart. He figured those baby gates out SO quickly. And, with the new found ease of getting in and out of bed at his own free will, I will say, I set myself up for disaster.

So, yesterday, the side of his crib went back up. I thought all would be fixed. But, this morning, he still climbed out of that crib, took down the baby gate and got into some cereal. The problem is that he is so smart and comes up with ideas quicker than I do.

He's reached that age where he will move chairs to climb onto counter tops, he can get through any child-proofing gadget you can think of, he's messed up several TV's in the house, just by pressing ONE button. And, when you have a 2-year-old, punishment is hard. Spanking isn't really appropriate for the age- even if I found spanking to be a useful tool, which I absolutely do not. Time-outs? Are you kidding? Do you think he will sit anywhere for any amount of time if he won't even follow the simplest of commands? Redirecting? I do that ALL day EVERY day. It works for maybe 10 seconds. Firmly saying NO. Been doing that for some time now.

I must say that I feel my older son is acting out. I feel there may be "something wrong". He is not a normal 2-year-old. His doctor feels the same. Now, he was tongue-tied and did not have it corrected until he was 18 months old. So, his doctor says he may have some sort of speech delay. I doubt it. The boy talks more and comprehends more than his older sister. (I actually think SHE has some sort of speech delay)

I will be straight-forward. I do not like to categorize my children, and I definitely don't like to fortune-tell or predict things that may be "wrong" with them. But, I think my son has a behavorial problem. I don't know which one, there are quite a few. And, if he does, I won't medicate him, for my very own, very personal reasons. But, I want to know. I need to know. So, sometime in the near future, he will be off to a behavorial therapist for testing.

In the mean time, I know I will survive school, and hopefully continue to succeed, despite the obstacles ahead of me. (way more than I could list in just one blog) For now, I am more worried about surviving this time with my 2 year old. I know it won't last forever, or maybe it will. But, I love that little boy, and he deserves the best from me, regardless of what I get in return.

Hiatus.

Well, it's my first week of school, and I am already getting my ass kicked.

My English class is only 8 weeks long, so starting next week, I have a new paper due every 2-3 days. Sometimes, a new paper is due every day!

My Intro to Law class only has 3 papers, but requires a BUTT load of reading. I have 80 pages to read by Tuesday. (while also taking care of the kids and working on my other classes)

Humanities seems to be pretty simple, research, write, cite, submit. The research part isn't too difficult (I love researching). But, it takes a lot of time to format everything and make it all look perfect before submitting it.

Tonight is my first Government class, so I don't even know what is required for this class or the what the syllabus looks like.

I still have 2 books I've got to get my hands on this weekend.

I feel like I have no time left over for almost anything at this point. I'll be looking for a job starting next week, as well. Part time. But, I need to be working for a whole skew of reasons. I really hate to take a "break" from such an important part of my life (this blog) but I can't see myself being able to keep up with it. Perhaps I will just slow down. I really don't see myself updating this blog again until I am, at the very least, finished with my English course. It is over in March.

I hope each and every one of my readers returns then to see my progress. I love you all. <3

She said that I am a murderer.

Let me preface this by saying that this is extremely private information about myself that I am sharing because I feel that it is necessary and I am publishing it reluctantly. Because I am tired of feeling like I have to hide. Because I am tired of people assuming that because I am a young, single mom that I am Pro-Life. (I prefer "anti-choice"). Because I am tired of people, like the one shown below, who are ignorant of the truth. And, if you have anything bad to say to me, say it. I won't respond. I am a strong, independent woman. And, I am NOT defined by my choices. You don't have to agree with me, I just ask that you respect my opinion, my actions, as I do respect yours.

How funny. Really, how funny. First and foremost, I will let you know, I've had an abortion. I was 5 weeks along. I was 18 years old. It's been almost 5 years now. And, for years, I tried to keep it secret. Everyone acted like I had something to be ashamed of. I've heard people ask why adoption wasn't an option? Why could I not parent that "baby"? And, I've been called a murderer. A killer. And, as much as I want to pretend that doesn't hurt. It does.

And, first and foremost, my reasons are no one's business, if I tell you about it, it is because I CHOOSE to. However, I am extremely Pro-Choice and this is something I am passionate about. Now, I have friends who do not agree with what I've done, friends who don't even know and friends who are more than supportive. But, the ones who disagree, they remain respectful of me as a person. I give them respect for their beliefs in return.

Now, I saw the top picture on my Facebook news feed. For the record, I went back to comment on it, and it was gone. I don't know why. It screamed at me. Because, last week, I had posted a news story, stating that [a certain story] was amazing but I hoped it wouldn't be used for Pro-Life Propaganda. The person who posted that status, commented on the news story I posted. Her comment is the first one in the second picture. During which, she referred to abortion as murder. (she has been removed from my friend's list now)

Now, she was unaware of the fact that I had had an abortion. But, regardless, this woman just called me a murderer. I didn't remove her from my friend's list, because I honestly feel that she just doesn't understand the full effect of outlawing abortion. And, I will be explaining more about my abortion AND why I am Pro-Choice, but for now, we are focusing on these two pictures.

In the first picture she says that someone has called her an idiot and does not respect her because she is a Christian. She goes on to call them prejudice, degrading and childish. Well, I most certainly felt degraded when she called me a murderer. That also seems pretty prejudicial. I guess I could call it childish, but, I won't. This person is a hypocrite. This is why most Pro-Choice activists cannot take Pro-Life activists seriously.

See, Pro-Choice means just that. You believe that women have a right to CHOOSE whether or not to continue a pregnancy. Now, this does not ONLY refer to unwanted pregnancies. There are thousands of women each year who have to decide whether or not to carry to term an unhealthy baby, perhaps even one that will not survive at all once born. There are also women who have to choose whether to continue a pregnancy when their own health is at risk. Single women get abortions. Married women get abortions. Women of almost every age group get abortions. Women who already have children get abortions. Women of every ethnicity, economic class and religion get abortions. It's more common than you'd think.

When I had my abortion, I was young and care-free. I didn't mind the fact that I was pregnant. But, I was scared to tell anyone. And, at first, I thought I could do it. But, after a few days, I knew there was NO way I was ready to have a baby. So, the abortion was scheduled. The office was discreet and clean. Not how I imagined it at all. The doctor and nurse were very warm and welcoming. I asked them a ton of questions and they asked me a ton of questions. They counseled me to make sure that I was making the right choice, that it was my choice and that I was of sound mind when making the choice.

The abortion was performed. For months, even years later, I would think about it. But, now, having had 3 children and understanding myself and my reasons, I have absolutely no regrets. If I could go back in time, I would have just done more to prevent that pregnancy. But, as far as the abortion goes, I wouldn't change it. If I went back to that exact moment in time when I signed the consent forms, I would still do it.

Even if I had a hundred people calling me a murderer the entire time. Now, I want to advocate for those who are not strong enough to step forward. Because, abortion needs to stay legal. And, I'm going to tell you why.

1. Outlawing abortion does not prevent abortion. Women will still seek out abortion services. Illegal abortion services, back alley clinics, "coat hangers".

2. Outlawing abortion raises the maternal death rate.

3. Abortion has been legal in the US far more than it has been illegal.

4. Approximately 25% of all pregnancies end in abortion.

5. Abortion does not discriminate.

6. Abortion does not cause breast cancer.

7. Abortion rarely causes psychological problems.

These are FACTS. Conclusions drawn from scientific research, not propaganda. People do not oppose abortion because it is unsafe. They oppose abortion because of their EMOTIONS. Because, "it's just a baby". Actually, it's a zygote, turned embryo, turned fetus. No one is denying that it is a human being. What the Pro-Choicer's do deny is that a fetus has rights.

Now, I have heard many anti-life arguments from so-called pro-lifer's. When they are told that outlawing abortion does not prevent abortion, but instead, women die from back alley abortions, their "pro-life" stance suddenly goes out the window. "Well, that's what she deserves for killing an innocent child". I thought you were Pro-LIFE, that doesn't sound very life-loving to me.

Adoption? Are you forgetting that there are women out there who would not survive a pregnancy? What about the women who could survive the pregnancy but would be out of work? What if they have other children to care for? Adoption is NOT an alternative to abortion. Adoption is an alternative to PARENTING.

Here are some other things about abortion. Some women have what is called a missed miscarriage. This is when the fetus dies but stays intact. A woman must have the pregnancy removed or risk complications that could lead to death. (sometimes a woman will eventually miscarry on her own, naturally) This is an abortion. In fact, I know many women who oppose abortion, but have had to have this exact procedure done. Outlawing abortion would outlaw this life-saving procedure.

There are women who try for years to become pregnant. Then, when they do conceive, they receive devastating news that their baby has a fatal disease. Some women will carry to term. But, others cannot continue the pregnancy with their emotional well-being intact. They need an abortion.

And, back to adoption. See, here's the thing. I have heard plenty of people say that there are more than enough families to adopt all of these would-be children. But, unless these adoptive parents are willing to adopt a new child every 9 months, this would only solve the problem for a year or two. There are over 1 million abortions each year. That means there would need to be over 1 million families willing to adopt every single year.

More so, if these would-be children were born and the women did decide to parent, are you OK with taxes going up even more to provide health care, food, housing for these families? A lot of people who oppose abortion rights also oppose tax increases to fund government aide to poor families.

So, let's get hypothetical here. Abortion is outlawed. There are over 1 million orphans produced each year AND let's say 250,000 new children on government assistance. Older children, who are less likely to be adopted, become orphans when their mothers die from a pregnancy-related complication. Women who would otherwise be in the workforce, producing revenue and stimulating the economy are now relying on government assistance due to job loss after a high-risk pregnancy. Meanwhile the number of starving children is growing. More and more women are dying or becoming seriously ill from obtaining illegal abortion services. Eventually birth control is outlawed. Leading to more of the aforementioned issues. Thousands of women are stuck in unhappy marriages with abusive husbands that they cannot leave because they stay pregnant. Women die from using illegal birth control. Essentially, women's rights will start fading away if abortion is outlawed.

Abortion has been around for hundreds of years at this point. Outlawing it will NOT prevent it.

When I had my abortion, I was reluctant. Wondering if it was really MY choice. And, it absolutely was. It was the best choice for ME. And, now, if I wouldn't have had that abortion, I would have never had my children. Even if I take back every single good reason for having had that abortion, I still would do it, because otherwise, my daughter would have never been born, or my sons. I would have never opened my eyes to see the truth about abortion rights and why it is so important to keep abortion safe and legal.

And, I'm sure that many of you will lose respect for me now. I'm prepared. I'm just not ashamed of it anymore. It doesn't make me any less of a woman. And, I am a damn good mother. So, should anyone want to mention that I don't deserve my children, just remember that that says a lot more about you than it does me.

I am breaking down these barriers. Women should not have to hide the fact that they've had an abortion. I know a lot of women who have had an abortion, but they only mention after I first mention that I've had one. They are scared. Scared of your reaction. Scared of how you will degrade of them. Scared that you will call them a killer, a murderer.

Ladies, I am holding your hand. Don't you dare think for one second that you are a second class citizen because you've had an abortion. It is a legal medical procedure, and you standing up and telling your story will help it remain legal. You do not owe anyone an explanation. And, anyone who would dare think less of you is not someone who has my respect, they are not someone who is deserving of anyone's respect.

I don't care what your stance is. But, if you don't force me to carry to term an unwanted or unhealthy pregnancy, then I will never force you to terminate a wanted or healthy pregnancy. That's the difference. I'm not saying you can't believe what you want to believe. But, as someone who is pro-life, you ARE telling me that I have to follow your beliefs, that you think everyone should have to follow rules based on YOUR beliefs. My beliefs are that everyone can believe whatever they want and live their life accordingly, within the law. Remember, abortion is legal and safe right now. But, people are trying to change that.

If you want to know more about the TRUTHS of abortion, read here: http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_IAW.html

Life is about to get busy.

At 23 years old, as a single mom to 3 kids, I am about to begin my first semester of college. I have a sense of pride I've never known before. I didn't think I'd ever get to this point. After my daughter was born coming "home" and finding out that I was having another baby. Making the decision to be a SAHM. Then deciding I did want to go to school, even for specialized training. Then, another baby.

I feel stupid for not doing this sooner. Why did I not go to college right after high school? Because I thought...Oh, I'll take a year off, have some experiences and then I'll go. Well, that plan was foiled rather quickly. I met an amazing man and from then on, he was my life. Then our daughter was my life. Now, over 5 years later, I have 3 children who are my life, and they deserve more.

I have to give them more. Not because it's expected of me, not because I am a failure if I don't. But, because they deserve a good chance at life.

Thank you to the one person who said, "You are more than a 6 week training program, get your ass into school, take the classes, get a degree, be somebody so that THEY can be somebody". You have NO idea how much your words meant to me, or how much I needed to hear that.

For so long, everyone kept accepting the bare minimum from me. I was doing the best I could for my situation. That was the first mistake. Thinking that anything less than a bar higher than cloud nine was acceptable. It's not. It's just not.

I haven't been happy with my life. I was going to accept a career I didn't love just so I could say I was doing something. What was wrong with me that that was enough? I had no self-esteem, no ambitions. I was a lifeless, breathing, moving drone. I did everything correct- except succeeding where it mattered.

I had two choices in front of me. Work a low paying job and hope for advancement and raises that would be sufficient enough too support a family of 4. Or, struggle really hard for a few years to have a career I LOVE while also giving my children a good, sound and solid future.

I am aiming high. But, I'm being realistic. Getting here was no easy task. Just getting everything ready for me to start school was a 6 month long venture. Filling out financial aid paperwork, applying to the school, waiting for financial aid to be approve, figuring out what degree program, what classes to take, what books do I need? I didn't think that at the end of this, I would actually being going to school.

I was setting myself up for the let down. I kept telling myself, it won't work out. But, guess what? It has! It has all worked out. My financial aid came through. I have almost all of my books. I am registered for my classes. I found a babysitter.

Two of my classes are online. They will mostly be done when my mom is home and looking after the kids. My other two classes are in a class room and I am VERY excited for those ones. Government and Intro to Law. The online classes are Humanities and English Composition I. Right now I am getting a Paralegal Degree. If all goes well and I get accepted at a university, I plan to go on to get a degree in Business Law. But, if I stop at Paralegal, I do know I will be satisfied with that. But, being an attorney would just give me some major smiles. And, I'd get some mad props for getting a law degree while being a single mom to 3 kids.

It's never too late to go after your dreams. And, if you really want something, you'll find a way to get it.

Bad Mom.

I just had what I call a "bad mom moment". Okay, I'm still having it. Here's the deal. When you have young children, nap time is crucial. For their sanity and for your own. But, it's a lot like getting off work at 5 pm. Eventually you'll get home and will be able to relax (ha, yeah right) but you still have an hour's worth of traffic to push through. So it becomes a love/hate relationship. I love when my children nap. But, getting them there is no easy task.

Today, it was impossible.

I decided to change things up a bit because the youngest was getting to the point where he would only nap for 90 minutes, mid-morning. Not acceptable. He is cranky by 5 pm and refuses to nap again when the older kiddos do, so these leaves a 2 hour period of consoling a whining and just plain unhappy baby.

So, today, I thought, "Hmm, I can just give them a late snack then put them all down for naps at 11:30 and they should sleep for a good two hours and then they can wake up and have lunch". Well, that's not what happened.

But, I needed it to happen. SO bad. There is laundry to put away, floors to sweep, I had paperwork to print off, fill out, scan into the computer and email out. Not to mention that, I haven't showered in 2 days. (no shame)

Well, I gave the kids their snacks and put them all in bed. It seemed to be going okay so I started on my paperwork, which was the most important task of the day. I had to run back into their room a few times for my daughter he will find any excuse to prolong having to actually nap. But, about 20 minutes in, the boys were asleep. I thought she would be on her way, too.

Then, she walked right next to me and insisted on sitting down with me. I told her that she couldn't and needed to go back to bed. The next 20 minutes was a battle. Me telling her to lay down, her asking for a kiss, a hug, a drink of water. Then she needed to pee, then she wanted her Minnie Mouse. And, did I mention that after every single time she gets up she calls for Mommy to cover her back up?

I somehow managed to get my paperwork complete. She wasn't asleep but was quiet. Which is what I needed from her at that time. I didn't want her waking up her brothers as they all, currently, share a room. So, I decided I really needed to take the trash out. Half way through and I hear it. Her talking to her baby brother. She woke him up. And, he is a very loud, very noisy baby. So, my other son was woken up, as well.

By this point I am on the verge of a mental break down. I laid the baby back down and told my daughter it was time for her to lay down and to not get up again. I closed the door and walked away. My thoughts right then were- What now? Do I try to complete anything? Is it even worth it? Should I just shower?

Well, I'll tell you what I did. I put new trash bags in all the trash cans, grabbed my Reese's candy, sat down on the couch and just closed my eyes.

They want up. I will get them out in another 10 minutes or so. And, an hour or so after lunch, we will attempt this nap thing, again. I can't help but feel like I am doing something wrong. That it was selfish of me to leave them in their beds, knowing they are fully awake. But, right now, I hear screams of joy and laughter. They are clearly not heartbroken over mommy taking a few minutes to herself. I will feel better when I do get them up, instead of being angry that I did not complete even half of my to-do list, which could easily be finished during a two-hour-long nap.

So, now, I guess I have to go find some lunch for these crazy kids and remind myself that I need a break, too, just as much as they need those naps.

How to follow.

When you log in to blogger.com there will be a list of blogs you follow, or no list if you are not following any blogs. This is your reader list. To the left there will be a button that says "Add". Click the button. When the screen pops up, there will be two options for you to follow a blog. You can click the first one, which says "Add from url". Then, you will copy the link to my blog and paste it into the text box. Click follow and you're done.

This is the url:         http://theambelinachronicles.blogspot.com/

There is always the option to subscribe via e-mail or add to your Google Reader list.

Thank-you for the support!